This is pretty typical:

With his 10-minute statement to the media on Monday, Milledgeville (Ga.) District Attorney Fred Bright just made it painfully clear what must happen to Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger must be punished swiftly. He must be disciplined in a way that makes sense to anybody who heard Bright recount details of the alleged sexual encounter with a 20-year-old college student in March. You simply couldn’t listen to this story and expect Roethlisberger to walk away unscathed even now that Bright has decided not to charge him with sexual assault. […]

He laid as much of the story out there as he could, presumably so everybody could know this wasn’t merely a case of an aspiring gold digger missing out on a big payday from a reckless star athlete. The most revealing details involved Roethlisberger’s allegedly buying an already inebriated girl (and her friends) shots, then meeting her in a bathroom. Even without knowing what happened next, Bright’s detailed account had to make the hairs on the back of Goodell’s neck snap to attention.

You can read Bright’s detailed account here, including this chilling part guaranteed to get yer neck-hairs snappin’:

Everybody, I think, could be criticized for their actions that night. I hate to use this pun but I’m not trying to be a Monday morning quarterback. But there was too much drinking going on. If he were my son, the best way I can answer that is, ‘Ben, grow up. Come on, you’re supposed to stand for something. I mean, you’re the leader. You should be a role model. You don’t need to put yourself in this position anymore.’

Whatever that means.

Fuck Ben Roethlotsletters.  He’s way overrated, he’s super boring to watch, he plays for a degenerate football team, his name is an overturned Scrabble board, and, even among pro football players, he stands out as an unlikable moron.  Now we know his drinking habits offend the DA of Hicksville, GA, and that he is a shameless toilet tramp.  These are certainly not the sorts of qualities a young gentleman should seek to cultivate, but none of them are really remotely comparable to rape or assault, nor do they require swift and sure retribution.  (None of them are really comparable to lying about felonies, either*.)  If someone goes around raping people, that person should be put in jail.  Rapists don’t need to “grow up”, “be better leaders”, or “not put themselves in these positions”, they need to go to prison and stop raping people, and rape isn’t a situation where you can criticize everyone for their actions that night.  If, on the other hand, someone just goes around getting hammered in nasty Georgia skank bars and touching drunk girls with his trick-ass pee-pee in the piss-stained bathroom, A) do not ever, ever, ever talk to me about this and say it is “sports” “news”, and B) don’t offer it up like it’s the next best thing to proving a rape.  “Whether he’s guilty or a victim, we know he’s guilty” makes as much sense put that way as when you pad it out to column-length.

There are obviously bigger victims in the world than millionaire whore/athletes like Tiger Woods, or millionaire whore/fat people like Ben R.  I certainly don’t think America’s impressionable young gentlemen need any extra encouragement in pursuing their dreams of being disgusting sluts – it seems that most of America’s young gentlemen are limited in their sluttishness and skankery only by their ability to get someone to indulge them in it, and that rumors of a so-called “Whore Gap” are nothing more than that – rumors.  And I am sensitive to the fact that not all of us can have fulfilling adult relationships with sophisticated Latin lovelies and save the Earth with our fugly purple fleeces like me and Tom Brady.  Maybe I should become a fan of something where everybody is a virgin who collects vintage Star Wars figurines and goes to bed sucking their thumb at 8:30 on Saturdays, but I already read a lot of political blogs.  I just hate feeling at all sorry for meathead hos like Roethlisberger.

* I actually spent 10 entire minutes thinking about it, and while these are both very bad things, I think on the whole I would prefer being falsely accused of rape to being actually raped myself.  People say I’m hard to shop for, so hopefully this helps.

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