By working our network of highly-placed sources in DC Republican circles (thanks, Kandy! You deserve all the bills that fit in that garter.) we’ve been able to acquire a copy of Mitch McConnell’s secret GOP talking points on the upcoming health care summit. We’ve reprinted them below.

From the Desk of Mitch McConnell
Subject: Health Care Summit

Yo, my brahs. I’ve put together some notes for us all so we can stay on message as we prepare to participate constructively in the president’s health care summit…. ahahahaha. No, I can’t even do it. I really can’t. Anyhow, I put together some talking points, but before I get to them, one unrelated note: I want to thank Rep. Vitter for his excellent selection last movie night — I think I speak for everyone in saying I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell was a really touching, powerful movie — but I do want to make sure we’re all on the same page: we do NOT need the press reporting that anybody cried at the ending. Let’s keep that out of the papers.

Anyhow, I know that Obama’s proposed health care summit has a lot of you nervous. Obviously our last open Q&A was a huge mistake, and it’s not one we’re likely to repeat. However, the press has shown a bit of unexpected spine as far as that goes, and we need to be able to explain our principled refusal to participate. So:

1. We will gladly participate in the health care summit, but only if the President, in a show of good faith, is willing to resign the Presidency and allow Scott Brown’s truck to be sworn in.

2. We believe — in this interest of a fair airing of views — that it is vital that every nutjob with a confederate flag t-shirt who has ever attended a tea party rally be invited to bring their guns to the summit.

3. While we support the goal of expanding access to health care for hard-working Americans, we are deeply skeptical of the idea of allowing people with pre-existing conditions to get health care, as they are likely to develop into a race of perfectly healthy superpredators capable of eviscerating regular Americans with one swipe of their razor sharp claws.

4. We demand that the health care bill be translated from the Swahili it is currently written in.

5. We will gladly participate in the health care summit if every individual member of the Republican caucus, plus a reasonable selection of senior staff, is given one million dollars and a monster truck.

6. It is with regret that we must point out that Obama likes poop, smells like poop, and probably eats his own poop.

7. We wanted to pass healthcare, but it’s too snowy.

I think these points should effectively make our case. I’ve spoken to the New York Times, and they’ll have Nagourney put together a 15,000 word news analysis making our case by this afternoon. See you all next movie night — Faces of Death is an old favorite, so I’m really looking forward to it.