January 2010


Too hot for the NFL:

Obviously, nobody wants to watch a bunch of muscley men jump on top of each other in tight shiny pants and slap each other on the ass if it’s going to be interrupted by a bunch of gay shit.

The National Review is outraged that Barack HUSSEIN Obama is cutting government spending in the middle of a recession:

Yesterday’s announcement that the Obama administration plans to scrap funding for voyages to the moon and to Mars, shows how low President Obama’s horizons truly are. […]

Furthermore, at a time when the president claims his focus is on jobs, scrapping these programs — on which we’ve already spent nearly $10 billion — would cut public spending in one area that actually creates jobs.


You know those great pictures of Earth from outer space, showing our planet suspended against the blackness, a beautiful blue ball? No one has seen that view since the Apollo program ended 38 years ago. No astronaut has seen that view since then. We’ve all just seen the pictures.

So true.

Now, unless Congress rejects the president’s recommendations, the next people to see that view will likely be the Chinese.

I’m glad to see that the conservative intelligentsia are so serious about getting the deficit under control that they might almost consider not spending billions of dollars a year in order to prevent the Chinese from getting to the Moon first second in the top five seventh, except a Democrat proposed it.  Such serious, serious people.  Such a contribution to our democracy.

The Nation asks various representatives of the sorts of people who might read The Nation what they think of Obama after a year.  It’s like going to Baskin-Robbins, if instead of 31 flavors of ice cream they sold 31 flavors of meh.  What kind of meh are you?  I could make an internet quiz, and you could find out if you’re a James Carr, or a Chris Bowers or just a worthless panty-waste failure like Coach always said you would be.  I could make a quiz like that, I have the technology, but I’m busy sobbing on an autographed picture of Craig T. Nelson for reasons which do not concern you.  So no quiz.

I don’t blame/praise Obama for shit that is, Constitutionally speaking, the Congress’ job.  The health care bill(s), the stimulus, etc. – I don’t know how much of his weight he’s thrown behind any of these, and neither do you, and I don’t have a Quantum Universe Simulator to calculate how much better everything would be if only he’d done x more than the unknown amount he’s done already on these things, and neither do you.  You don’t even have an iPad.  And the President can’t make recessions go away by wishing extra-hard, and he can’t be in every airport around the world looking out for losers who light their pants on fire.  Maybe this is a bit simplistic.  Maybe you’d be happier reading Einstein and Spinoza and Socrates’ super awesome an insightful group blog The Super Insightful Brainiac Foundation Report, but you can’t because they’re dead, likely due to my foolishness.  But I’m alive, so you can have my opinion instead.

1. Domestic Presidenting – D+/C-.

F for civil liberties.  F.  Eff.  Ephffpf.  I realize that doing more would be very hard, but if you didn’t want to do hard things you should have run for Regional Assistant Interim President In Training or something.  So this is sort of a case where you either get an A or an F, and you didn’t get an A.  How about an F+?  Is that better?  That’s not even a real grade, but you can have it.  Because you earned it!

B for other stuff.  The EPA lets states regulate CO2, and may do something nationally.  So that’s something.  Also, no one in the Obama administration has been indicted for gross treason yet, and Joe Biden hasn’t shot some old guy in the face while drunk hunting and then made the guy apologize on TV for it yet, so that’s just awesome.  I’m grading on a curve because I have to.

2. Furren Affairs – C+

Obama has not unshit the bed in Iraq, or Afghanistan, because you can’t.  I like that we have timetables, but I don’t like that I don’t believe they’re really real.  OTOH, he’s a darn good spokesmodel for America, and that does actually matter.  So, again, there is somewhat of a curve here, but that’s the standard that has been set.

Overall – C

The very definition of meh.  Pam Atlas’s disturbing vlogs are on one side, Airwolf is on the other, and Obama is right in the middle.  Which reminds me: you can now stream Airwolf on Netflix.  Or, to put it another way: every second of your life up to now has been a second you could have been streaming Airwolf on Netflix, but didn’t, and is a second of your life you have, therefore, wasted.  And if Obama wants to get out of the meh, his SOTU better go a little something like this:

This makes perfect sense:

Dictionaries have been removed from classrooms in southern California schools after a parent complained about a child reading the definition for “oral sex”.

Merriam Webster’s 10th edition, which has been used for the past few years in fourth and fifth grade classrooms (for children aged nine to 10) in Menifee Union school district, has been pulled from shelves over fears that the “sexually graphic” entry is “just not age appropriate”, according to the area’s local paper.

The dictionary’s online definition of the term is “oral stimulation of the genitals”. “It’s hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we’ll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature,” district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus told the paper.

I’m sure she will – for the kids, of course.

They should probably just ban the English language altogether considering all the filth it can conjure.  But first, Betti Cadmus should busy herself documenting the myriad prurient words, phrases and assorted linguistic goings on.  In the spirit of lending a helping hand, Ms. Cadmus, you can start here.

For some reason I woke up feeling just a tiny bit safer than yesterday.  Now I know why:

MADISON, Wis. — A man serving life in prison for first-degree intentional homicide lost his legal battle today to play Dungeons & Dragons behind bars.

Kevin T. Singer filed a federal lawsuit against officials at Wisconsin’s Waupun prison, arguing that a policy banning all Dungeons & Dragons material violated his free speech and due process rights.

Prison officials instigated the Dungeons & Dragons ban among concerns that playing the game promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security. Singer challenged the ban but the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Monday upheld it as a reasonable policy.

Indeed.  I’d like to see prison guards try to break up this gang fight:

Failure to abide by the no-D&D policy can be punished by 3d4+3 nights in the box.

Dear The Internet: I got together with my eyes, ears, and brain, and we all agreed that we hate you.

I hope this haunts the sleep of all Brown voters.

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