Query: What kind of misierable low-life steals someone’s welcome mat?  What, did you also kick a puppy and punch an old lady as you were carrying it off?

Addendum: And dude, if you live in my apartment building, you won’t even get to use it without running the risk of me seeing it and us throwing down…over a fucking welcome mat.  Which would be just about the greatest casus belli ever. Unless you’re planning on gifting a used welcome mat to someone.  In which case, you are even more of a miserable son of a bitch than I imagined.

It really tied the hallway together.

Epilogue: But fuck it.  It’s the weekend, so I’m gonna go out, get drunk, mourn my welcome mat and dance like this (in my mind at least. The actual version will be decidedly, um, flailingier.  Yes, that’s a word.)