Now that Baracksebub has opened the way for the widespread slaughter  and devouring of melting snowflakes and various other to-be-discarded embryo-persons (an executive order worse than torture btw), can a brother get a stem-cell infused cure for baldness already? 

I mean, whodda thunk that back in 1985 when I was scoffing at all the bald people who I safely assumed would represent the last generation with dome-shine that lo this many years later there would still be no fucking cure for baldness?  Simple baldness. 

Technological progress is clearly overrated. 

As for me, I’m teetering on a precipice.  I’ve got about a year or two (three tops) before my hair goes John Galt once and for all.  As of now, my hair’s just refusing to tip waitresses

And since tis the season to bless very serious troop buildups, and the permanent bases that love em, dear neocons and assorted COINdanistas: Whither mysurge?  How about some fancy COIN doctrine for the thinning ranks manning my cranial maginot line?  If I go bald, the terrorists will have one, and considering how close my hair line is to Pakistan, well, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with the whole regional stability thingy.  Did I mention 9/11? 

No, this won’t be an easy fight.  I expect a horde of self-centered whiners with various maladies – from Alzheimer’s to Parkinson’s (Michael J. Fox I’m looking at your fakin ass) – to try to guilt scientists into addressing their concerns first.  But really, this isn’t all about them.

We can’t afford distractions at this most fraught of moments.  Just as Obama is clearly doing too much by focusing on the economy and revoking Bush’s stem cell rule at the very same time, so too do the science doing folks risk spreading themselves thin by trendy causes hyped by Big Hollywood Liberals. 

Priorities people.  And hair in a fuckin bottle.  Plus some single payer health insurance to pay for it.