Wingnut morons write Obama 2012 fanfic. Go ahead, look. You know you want to look.
The Loader of Pants gets this party started right, mailing in a story about how Obama presidency will be a failure because Joe Biden will go totally crazy and everything. And they called Sarah Palin mad! Mad! MAD!! thunders Dr. P-Load from his Fortress of Dough. But my fanfic WILL SHOW THEM ALL!!1! It is a perfect painted world of wingnut fantasy: Hillary castrates Obama, Barney Frank is brought low by his own faggotry, and policy is never, ever, ever discussed. Jonah always escapes into airy, self-justifying fantasy when things start getting a bit too real – after months of spinning his own alternate-universe Plame scandal, he had almost managed to convince himself that the target of the investigation was Joseph Wilson. Life should be more like it is in the movies – the bad (libs, Dems, people who laugh at Jonah) are punished; the good (Jonah) are rewarded for their own innate wonderfulness; and everyone learns a valuable lesson about how, despite every single particle of the endless reams of documentary evidence to the contrary, Jonah is a serious intellecktual and people should treat him with respect. Doughbob Loadpants’ role in this drama is always passive, a spectator commenting on a mechanical Universe ticking along its inevitable, Jonah-justifying path. Deviations from this natural order are abberations, experimental error, the work of trickster gremlins in the employ of ACORN, not to be discussed seriously. If you had puttered a few miles in Jonah’s bunny slippers, you’d think the Universe loved you special, too. Hey, wooden it be funny if Obama pooped his pants right before the inauguration and Joe Biden fell into cow poo and all the other Democrats were victims of assorted poo-related mishaps which rendered them un-inauguratable? And so the Supreme Court made John McCain President? And Sarah Palin won the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics? And liberals were like TOTALY MAD but there was nothing they could do about it? Wooden that be TOTALLY GREAT?
Ralph Peters, veteran of the 101st Chairbourne Rangers, takes a more substantive approach than Jonah, perhaps realizing that taking a less substantive approach would necessarily involve a pirated copy of Photoshop and a bunch of penises poking Obama in the face. Peters fears that an Obama administration would lead to a strengthened Iran with nuclear ambitions, civil war in Afghanistan and Iraq, al-Qaeda rebuilt, absurdly expensive oil, resurgent Russia, a collapsing economy, using state power to gain favorable press coverage, and generally weakening American standing while declaring victory – all things which, this wag can’t help but notice, have already happened under the steady, Peters-approved leadership of George W. Bush and the Republicans. But Peters objection is not that Pretend Obama has fucked the dog, but that he hasn’t waved his dick around as vigorously as Bush did while he was getting his. It’s not bestiality if you’re on top, I guess.
Finally, Nicole Gelinas imagines Obama as a Democratic George H. W. Bush, making necessary, unpopular fiscal decisions which antagonize his base. It’s not particularly plausible, true, but consider the competition. And consider also how out-of-touch with current wingnut talking points this is – Obama is a secret Marxist! Democrats worship him like Jesus Hitler! He’s crazy and everything! Come on, Nicole. You couldn’t even have him start a Euro-Homo Nouveau Deal “public works” program of building state-run Elitist Madrassahs next to every pre-school? Throw us a bone. So, I hope you enjoy being the least of three screaming embarrassments today, because you will never work in this town again.
None of this is “prediction”, exactly, more like utopianism, dreaming of a more perfect world. People who take this seriously are insensitive to “satire”, “hyperbole”, and various other literary device-related program activities to be specified at an unspecified date. It’s ironic irony, math proved by 4-way Satire Cube. There are things which can’t be said, feelings which, if acknowledged, would be deterimental to the movement, and so on. In situations like this, a little distancing is required in order to say the unsayable, and if this all seems a little fey and ambiguous for such stout and forthright champions of Middle American obviousness, well, that just proves what racists the Obammunists are. That may or may not be what I really think – after years of pretending to believe the most absurd horseshit, I’m not even sure anymore.
November 2, 2008 at 3:44 pm
…EXCEPT for the part where Obama is President. Ha! Heh, indeed!
November 2, 2008 at 4:03 pm
The best thing about Jonah and the Wingnuts is that these people really are the new thought leaders for the Republicans. They are the brains trust behind the McCain campaign, the wizards behind the Palin pick, and they are likely to dominate conservative thinking indefinitely, fo as long as the internets gives them a platform.
Being relegates to running Republican campaigns means they will no longer be the brains trust behind ignoring the White House terrorism advisor with his hair on fire before 9/11, invading the wrong country after 9/11, never getting the guy who did 9/11, resting the prestige of the world’s only superpower on finding those pesky WMD that we’re just sure were there, removing all those pesky “laws” to unleash Wall Street, cutting taxes to avoid the prospect of the US destroying the market for T-bills by paying down its debt, handing over FEMA to some horse guy who kind of knew the President, endless no-bid war-supply contracts to the Vice President’s company, firing federal attorneys who put the law before loyalty, and all the other stuff that the internets does not have enough pages to list, right back to W’s first big foreign policy masterstroke of apologizing to China for clumsily ramming their jet fighter with our surveillance plane so they’d release back the crew and return the plane, neatly dismantled and packed into boxes.
November 2, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I’ve been visiting here for a long time, and trying (and usually failing) to enliven the comments for a long time.
In honor of my service, can we have a picture of the old “herbal sideburn enhancement” offer?
TIA. Otherwise, you hate the troops.
November 2, 2008 at 4:50 pm
“Redistribute This!”, Doughy Pantload’s new tome, is coming out in 2012?!
To have it out by 2012, he should have started writing two years ago.
November 2, 2008 at 5:52 pm
The fanfics are attempts by lower runged GOPers to score new employment. When That One takes over, he’s gonna give everybody’s jobs to, you know, people with pigment.
(Yeah, ok, I originally posted this comment in the wrong place. So shut up already. Sheesh.)
November 2, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Jesus, Ralph is deranged! That psycho fucker just wants wants his wars, doesn’t he? And his attempt at right-wing satire is typically awful. Apparently, if you’re really snide and venomous it’s hilarious and no actual jokes are required.
Also, B. Hussein is both some sort of spineless wimp who get’s pushed around by all the mean foreigners, and the hothead who rashly invaded Pakistan. Well, which is it? And Ambassador Ayers? That’s just sad.
November 2, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Jonah has finally lost it.
The Editors is right; the next four years are going to be utterly insane.
November 2, 2008 at 7:24 pm
We’d be happy to welcome Jonah, and his mother, to the Dick Cheney Memorial No-Towelheads Undisklosed Location Liberty Bible Camp if it wasn’t for all those “loadpants” rumors going around. We don’t like forcing bunkmates on anybody. And then there’s the tunnel digging physical, shooting and manhood tests, goat milking exam, anall that.
Not saying we don’t love Jonah, but, he needs to keep on fighting those frogs right where he is.
November 2, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Now you can complete the set with 4-simultaneous 96 hours of crazy in one 24-hour rotation of satire-cube: Focus on the Family [pdf] did one, too.
November 2, 2008 at 7:32 pm
On the Corner a couple weeks ago, Pantload was talking about how there are no countries run by American-style conservatives to escape to if Obama wins. So…I expect a lot more utopian fiction.
I’m inclined to let him have it. The West Wing was there for me, e.g., when reality was too much to contemplate.
November 2, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Its funny how in Jonah’s little conservaporn story Obama and the Democrats behave almost exactly like… Bush and the Republicans! His wildest fantasy of a Democratic fuck up is a scenario only slightly worse than what his guys have already wrought.
November 2, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Read this as a dinosaur and you’ll really be on to something.
November 2, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Oh man, I’d pay to see Keith Olbermann as press secretary. Not because he’d be a good one, but because he’d make c-span incredibly entertaining. Alas, if Obama was going to pick a progressive from media, and he’s not, he’d probably pick Maddow, who’d be great, but wouldn’t be quite as sarcastically entertaining.
November 2, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Go ahead, look. You know you want to look.
I refute you THUSLY!
…you, ah, you can’t see, but I’m not reading. And not wanting to do so. It’s, er, it’s hard to really illustrate effectively through comment boxes.
November 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm
You guys totally own Time Cube shtick.
I love it!
November 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm
And so we see that four more years of Dubya was just what this weary nation needed.
The plebiscite has finally gotten a clue that it’s bad to elect idiot sons of bad presidents twice just because giant sandworms attacked the World trade Towers and ground them into Arakkian sand, that half a nigrah president’s better than an all Ivy League white-trash administration, and that there are worse things than being ‘too liberal’ (beginning with ‘too stupid’, continuing with ‘two Bushes’, and ending with ‘really REALLY fucked-up shit’).
As celebratory bonus prize, Jonah finally shit his head out his ass and now he can’t find it.
From now on, the shores and borders of our mighty nation will be protected by giant pony sandworms in bright fuscia, majestic taupe, vengeful lavender, and pretty darn pink, shooting rainbow sideburn clippings from Ken the Endlessly Hirsute Male, and emitting lethally subharmonic ShakirAssian booty resonances, at Muslim men with impressive facial hair and liberal fascists disguising themselves as right-thinking conservatives who dare defile our borders and polling booths.
But the Tiggerman in Spidey underpants has got to go. Along with paragraph-long sentences with too many damn commas.
November 2, 2008 at 10:23 pm
“…you, ah, you can’t see, but I’m not reading. And not wanting to do so. It’s, er, it’s hard to really illustrate effectively through comment boxes.”
Try hanging out at Freeper sites. They’re good at it. A guy can unlearn a lot about demonstrating illiteracy in comment boxes from them.
November 2, 2008 at 11:44 pm
A question, asked in my typically internet unhip serial-post mode: how omce you can make Jonah’s head go round-and-round but you couldn’t make Hitlery’s szwastikeyes do the same?
It’s that O’Reilly Factor, right?
November 3, 2008 at 12:07 am
And consider also how out-of-touch with current wingnut talking points this is – Obama is a secret Marxist! Democrats worship him like Jesus Hitler!
Started to laugh at Jesus Hitler, but then caught myself short. Am currently reading The Family, by Jeff Sharlet, about Doug Coe and his rightwing Christian movement. If anybody else has looked at it, the name ‘Jesus Hitler’ doesn’t look quite so funny.
November 3, 2008 at 12:52 am
I could try, but the elite Hashshashin of ACORN would kill me before my finger could hit the upload button. They can see us through the tubes.
November 3, 2008 at 7:32 am
“ACORN”
That reminds me: squirrels are pretty darn cute too, ubetcha. I think a Squirrels Gone Wild series of post-pics would be a soothing medium between cuteness overload and the mesmerizing gravitas of Time Cube trans-spermophile ramifications.
(Recognizing and acknowledging, of course, that GunBros/Galt/Citizen Journalist is the already revealed apotheosis of this.)
November 3, 2008 at 8:11 am
How about a Palin fanfic?
“Dear Penthouse,
I know you’re not going to believe this, but as I was hiking through the wilderness of Alaska, I happened across an extremely well-dressed woman field-dressing a moose…”
November 3, 2008 at 9:04 am
“…extremely well-dressed woman field-dressing a moose…”
THAT explains her preference for dark red colors, yes? And I’d thought it was feng shui…
Meanwhile, archeologists in Wasila claim to have found the legendary Shroud of Bullwinkle…
November 3, 2008 at 11:48 am
I could try, but the elite Hashshashin of ACORN would kill me before my finger could hit the upload button. They can see us through the tubes.
Nay, they can see through mens’ souls.
November 3, 2008 at 11:52 am
Okay, Major Woody, fess up. Where did you stash the time machine?
Because that issue of Penthouse won’t be coming out for another month, and is sure to sell out fast as Jonanists everywhere snap up copies.
November 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm
What crappy fanfic. No Xena and Gabrielle? No Buffy and Cordelia? Meh.
November 3, 2008 at 12:42 pm
The war on irony must continue. Otherwise the irons will have won.
November 3, 2008 at 1:03 pm
“I looked from the warm moose carcass to the hot snow vixen. ‘That’s quite an impressive rack,’ I said.”
November 3, 2008 at 1:46 pm
“Jonanists”
Whence came the now standard street-wise snappy, um, comeback: ‘Jo nana!”
November 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Separated at Cloning Rebatch?
Observe:
White Man’s Pantload
Tommy Roe (no relation to Theodore STurgeon or Kilgore Trout)
Janusian Has a Whole New… Face
Phototimeshop Imagery provided by
You’re Makin’ Me Dizzy SpindInc
November 3, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Jonah Goldberg is so stupid. So, so, so stupid. Sooooooooo stupid.
Wow. You mean no other country has chosen to vote in leaders like we’ve had the past 8 years? Why wouldn’t they do that?
November 3, 2008 at 9:14 pm
There are plenty of countries that have leaders like they want. Saudi Arabia and Iran, for instance.
November 4, 2008 at 12:51 am
Is it too early to write my very important book “How The Poorman, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report saved America(Although it was my acknowledgment of coolness that makes me a super hero) via my Nom de plume “Fat Orange Tabby”? Yes?
November 4, 2008 at 7:39 am
OK, I’m going down to write in Jimmy Carter and Lyndon Larouche like I do every year, in my crucial swing state.
November 4, 2008 at 10:25 am
Totally ridiculous.
The plan is for “state-run gay bathhouse Elitist Madrassahs”, at least according to the sekrit email I got from Bill Ayers.