Wingnut morons write Obama 2012 fanfic.  Go ahead, look.  You know you want to look.

The Loader of Pants gets this party started right, mailing in a story about how Obama presidency will be a failure because Joe Biden will go totally crazy and everything.  And they called Sarah Palin mad! Mad! MAD!! thunders Dr. P-Load from his Fortress of Dough.  But my fanfic WILL SHOW THEM ALL!!1! It is a perfect painted world of wingnut fantasy: Hillary castrates Obama, Barney Frank is brought low by his own faggotry, and policy is never, ever, ever discussed.  Jonah always escapes into airy, self-justifying fantasy when things start getting a bit too real – after months of spinning his own alternate-universe Plame scandal, he had almost managed to convince himself that the target of the investigation was Joseph Wilson.  Life should be more like it is in the movies – the bad (libs, Dems, people who laugh at Jonah) are punished; the good (Jonah) are rewarded for their own innate wonderfulness; and everyone learns a valuable lesson about how, despite every single particle of the endless reams of documentary evidence to the contrary, Jonah is a serious intellecktual and people should treat him with respect.  Doughbob Loadpants’ role in this drama is always passive, a spectator commenting on a mechanical Universe ticking along its inevitable, Jonah-justifying path.  Deviations from this natural order are abberations, experimental error, the work of trickster gremlins in the employ of ACORN, not to be discussed seriously.  If you had puttered a few miles in Jonah’s bunny slippers, you’d think the Universe loved you special, too.  Hey, wooden it be funny if Obama pooped his pants right before the inauguration and Joe Biden fell into cow poo and all the other Democrats were victims of assorted poo-related mishaps which rendered them un-inauguratable?  And so the Supreme Court made John McCain President?  And Sarah Palin won the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics?  And liberals were like TOTALY MAD but there was nothing they could do about it?  Wooden that be TOTALLY GREAT?

Ralph Peters, veteran of the 101st Chairbourne Rangers, takes a more substantive approach than Jonah, perhaps realizing that taking a less substantive approach would necessarily involve a pirated copy of Photoshop and a bunch of penises poking Obama in the face.  Peters fears that an Obama administration would lead to a strengthened Iran with nuclear ambitions, civil war in Afghanistan and Iraq, al-Qaeda rebuilt, absurdly expensive oil, resurgent Russia, a collapsing economy, using state power to gain favorable press coverage, and generally weakening American standing while declaring victory – all things which, this wag can’t help but notice, have already happened under the steady, Peters-approved leadership of George W. Bush and the Republicans.  But Peters objection is not that Pretend Obama has fucked the dog, but that he hasn’t waved his dick around as vigorously as Bush did while he was getting his.  It’s not bestiality if you’re on top, I guess.

Finally, Nicole Gelinas imagines Obama as a Democratic George H. W. Bush, making necessary, unpopular fiscal decisions which antagonize his base.  It’s not particularly plausible, true, but consider the competition.  And consider also how out-of-touch with current wingnut talking points this is – Obama is a secret Marxist!  Democrats worship him like Jesus Hitler!  He’s crazy and everything! Come on, Nicole.  You couldn’t even have him start a Euro-Homo Nouveau Deal “public works” program of building state-run Elitist Madrassahs next to every pre-school?  Throw us a bone.  So, I hope you enjoy being the least of three screaming embarrassments today, because you will never work in this town again.

None of this is “prediction”, exactly, more like utopianism, dreaming of a more perfect world.  People who take this seriously are insensitive to “satire”, “hyperbole”, and various other literary device-related program activities to be specified at an unspecified date.  It’s ironic irony, math proved by 4-way Satire Cube.  There are things which can’t be said, feelings which, if acknowledged, would be deterimental to the movement, and so on.  In situations like this, a little distancing is required in order to say the unsayable, and if this all seems a little fey and ambiguous for such stout and forthright champions of Middle American obviousness, well, that just proves what racists the Obammunists are.  That may or may not be what I really think – after years of pretending to believe the most absurd horseshit, I’m not even sure anymore.

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