I got better.

So a crazy girl, apparently canvassing for the McCain campaign in Pittsburgh, made up a story that a scary black guy mugged her and carved a ‘B’ on her face for Barack Obama, because that seemed like the sort of thing that might happen on planet Earth. Obviously, the young lady in question is very troubled, and I’m pretty sure I used to date her. Obviously, the McCain campaign is equally troubled, and perhaps Joe Biden’s gaffe was more a reference to McLean than McLane. Because, seriously:

John McCain’s Pennsylvania communications director told reporters in the state an incendiary version of the hoax story about the attack on a McCain volunteer well before the facts of the case were known or established — and even told reporters outright that the “B” carved into the victim’s cheek stood for “Barack,” according to multiple sources familiar with the discussions.

John Verrilli, the news director for KDKA in Pittsburgh, told TPM Election Central that McCain’s Pennsylvania campaign communications director gave one of his reporters a detailed version of the attack that included a claim that the alleged attacker said, “You’re with the McCain campaign? I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

Verrilli also told TPM that the McCain spokesperson had claimed that the “B” stood for Barack. According to Verrilli, the spokesperson also told KDKA that Sarah Palin had called the victim of the alleged attack, who has since admitted the story was a hoax.

It’s worth noting that Michelle “John Kerry shot himself” Malkin thought this story was too repulsive to peddle, although it’s also worth noting that FOX News, Drudge, and most of the rest of the conservative messaging apparatus had no such qualms. Normally, I’d point out a bunch of other idiots who were all over it, but it’s just too gross.  And really, what’s the point?  Instead, let’s enjoy Dan Riehl explaining how Barack Obama is going to murder his grandmother for sympathy votes.

I take back everything I ever said about ratfucking.  It’s like bringing coal to Newcastle at this point, and cruel besides.  I’ve joked before that conservatism belongs in DSM-V, and I’m about 80% sure I’m still at least half-kidding.  But it’s hard to interpret any of this as something other than a cry for help.  From top to bottom, the whole conservative movement is having a nervous breakdown.

Yucky.  As a mental palette cleanser, consider what Jonah Goldberg would be like if he were an orange pussy cat:

Kittens to follow.

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