I’ve noticed some recent changes in the nature of the political debate in this country which I thought I’d share with my readers. Perhaps you have noticed some of these same things yourself. I feel it is instructive, at times, to step back a bit, take the “big picture” view, and see what it can tell us about ourselves, and the world around us. It is this which I intend to do here.
I’ve noticed, recently, that people who disagree with me are stupid and dumb. I can’t really believe they are as stupid and dumb as they seem, so I think they must be crazy as well.
Why are they so crazy? Well, any discussion of this would have to begin with how stupid and dumb they are. Imagine if you were so stupid and dumb that you actually disagreed with me, even when I was totally right? That would be enough to drive anyone crazy.
But the flip side of this requires looking at how smart I am. I’m pretty much right about everything, and with each passing day, as more and more of my predictions are born out by events, the incredible differential between people who disagree with me and are stupid and dumb, and me, who is wise and correct, becomes harder and harder for these stupid dummies to bear. And it drives them crazy.
It’s also remarkable how mean-spirited they are. I can’t say for sure if they are so stupid and dumb that they don’t know what meanness is, or if they are so crazy they don’t realize they are being mean, or what. But they are very mean, and they are probably happy when bad things happen. Because I’m sad when bad things happen, but they always disagree with me. When I’m right about something, though, I’m happy, and that makes them sad. I’m right almost all the time, so they must be pretty sad, too. And that’s just pathetic.
There are some people who disagree with me who are alright. There’s one fellow who disagrees with me, but, after I explain my position to him, agrees that I was, indeed, right all along. And I know someone else who used to disagree with me in college, but now agrees with me, although he mentions that five years ago he probably wouldn’t have. I get along with these people because I’m more open-minded than the people who disagree with me. Those people can’t stand anyone who isn’t as stupid, dumb, crazy, mean, sad, pathetic, and closed-minded as they are. And so they just lie.
Do they ever lie! I sometimes wonder if they could ever come up with another lie, because surely they’ve already lied about everything there is to lie about, but then, somehow, they come up with another lie. Or, if they can’t come up with another lie, they just re-tell an old lie. You’d think it would get boring, just lying and lying and telling the same lies over and over and over, but that’s just because you aren’t a stupid, dumb, crazy, mean, sad, pathetic, closed-minded, boring liar. And I know just how you feel.
So what does this all mean? I’d be lying if I said this polarization of the political landscape didn’t make me sad. My opponents would be lying if they said it did make me sad, or if they said it didn’t make them happy, even though that first lie was actually true. That’s typical, because they are always contradicting themselves. (Once I heard one guy disagree with me one way, and then another guy disagreed with me in a totally different way! When I pointed out the contradiction to them, the first guy said something stupid and mean, and the other one just told this crazy lie. I’ve got a lot of stories like this.) On the other hand, the fact that I’m right about everything makes me confident that soon enough my triumph will be complete, and the stupid, dumb, crazy, mean, sad, closed-minded, boring, self-contradictory, out-of-shape, pathetic, out-dated, sexually frustrated, petty, vindictive liars will no longer be in a position to argue against my fine ideas and correct opinions, and a more civilized mode of discourse will arise. And then I will get tons of women.