The Sarah Palin story so far has been a whirlwind of excitement, but now that things are settling down a little bit, anxious readers have been wondering when they can expect the next campaign-torpedoing revelation from the icehole that could. Well, we here at the Institute have put together a handy timeline to help you plan your busy schedule to allow the maximum amount of time to appreciate the wonderful, uniquely American story of a small-town girl coming from nowhere to torpedo a national party from within.
Tonight: Politico breaks the news that the McCain campaign is developing an appropriately mavericky backup plan in case Sarah Palin becomes too damaging. The plan involves McCain arriving at the convention with a swastika tattooed on his forehead, whipping out his withered, old dude cock (adorned with a Hitler mustache and baby doll dress) and nominating that for VP. McCain would then shoot a couple of delegates, just because nobody would expect it. In the end, McCain will reject this plan for being “too focus grouped”.
Sunday, Sarah Palin will shoot down a passenger plane with a replica Confederate cannon.
Tuesday, the news will break that she’s secretly a man
Thursday, Drudge will trumpet the headline “PALIN HAS HITLER’S BRAIN, GOP SOURCES SAY”.
At some point during the week of the seventh, she’ll eat a mid-sized American city, probably Trenton.
In the last week of September, in preparation for the debate, she’ll hang out with Paris Hilton and end up flashing reporters.
Before the end of the month, the Sitka Sentinel will announce that they’ve discovered that her house was built (by VECO contractors) from the bones of small children.
Commentators will explain that this is a perfectly natural consequence of the tiny devil head growing out of her back that controls her, and point to the obvious vestigial tail with a “666” birthmark as evidence the McCain campaign knew about this all along.
The campaign will vigorously deny rumors that Sarah Palin is secretly Nicholas Cage in 8MM.
In an article titled “The Most Dangerous Subsidized Leisure Activity”, the October issue of Outside magazine will profile Alaska’s state-run program for hunting white people from airplanes.
At the vice presidential debate October 2nd, Sarah Palin will show up high on PCP. For her introductory statement, she’ll throw her podium eight rows into the audience and declare herself the Queen of Fuck. THis will cause Mark Halperin to cry tears of joy and begin humping the podium. Afterwards, Mudcat Saunders will admire her bold action, showing as it did authenticity and respect for southern values.
In response to a question from Gwen Ifill (who Palin refers to as “that old faggot”) about her parenting philosophy, Palin will re-enact the head-spinning, crucifix-diddling scene from the exorcist.
Later, when asked about “troopergate”, she’ll pull out a military laser and blind several audience members. Finally, she’ll announce that, in lieu of answering further questions, she intends to start shooting people with her crossbow. In the resulting stampede, Tucker Carlson’s bow tie will be trampled.
In a GOP sponsored Halloween-themed event later in October, Palin will dig up the corpse of Terry Schiavo and decapitate it with a chainsaw. Holding the head aloft, she’ll declare that she’s converting to “Homo-Islam” and then kiss it full on the lips.
The next day, Joe Lieberman will give a speech praising her, saying “God only made one Sarah Palin,” at which point there will instantly be two of her.
God will deny any responsibility, leading to Brit Hume denouncing Him as a liar, insane with Bush hatred.
Two days before the election, the news will break that Sarah Palin’s secretly black, followed almost immediately by the revelation that she’s actually Obama in a pair of Groucho glasses, her whole candidacy having been a gag. Republicans will still vote for her.
Less than a week after taking office, McCain will die in a freak moose trampling, and Sarah Palin will rule happily ever after as benevolent dictator, becoming the subject of a reality show from the producers of “Hogan Knows Best”. In one especially memorable episode, she’ll nuke Sweden for laughs.