• As bad as preseason football is, preseason announcers are worse.
  • Big winners in the Brett Favre circus?

1. The Dolphins.  Chad Pennington, when healthy, is a top 15 QB.  He isn’t spectacular, but he makes good decisions and doesn’t kill his team with mistakes.  I know NY Jests fans don’t like to hear it, but that’s why you all are the scum of NFL fandom.  He won playoff games for you, you ungrateful jackoffs.  Yeah, he’s injured too much, which sucks, but the Dolphins running game may be able to hold off the blitz this year.

2. God help me, the Jets.  Contra That’s some epic suck.

  • Big losers?

1. The Packers.  What? Were? You? Thinking?  Aaron Rodgers sucks.  This is no slight against Aaron Rodgers, just a simple fact of the NFL: your hot shit young quarterback who hasn’t won shit in the NFL?  Sucks.  Sure, this turns out to be wrong for one out of every twenty or thirty hot shit young quarterbacks, but for every Payton Manning there a hundred Rex Grossman David Carr Alex Smiths with better names and better hair who cannot play for shit.  You just traded Brett Favre, the best, most popular player in franchise history, so you could usher in the Ryan Leaf Era.  And don’t act like the “unretirement” was a surprise – no one making $13 million a year retires. Dumbasses.

2. Favre.  He’s always been sort of irritating, mainly because the sports press thinks he’s some kind of demigod, but also because his Good Ole Boy schtick irritates the shit out of me.  As most NFL players are obvious pricks, and Favre’s likely prickitude is concealed behind a thin veneer of irritating schtick, Favre gets the mantle of Great Guy.  Except, this off season, he threw the biggest diva fit this side of Katherine Heigl.  And then he signed on with the Jets, who may – may – get to .500 this year, if Kris Jenkins isn’t broken down and if Damien Woody get bitten by a radioactive Anthony Muñoz.  I don’t see it.  Favre is the NFL’s all-time leader in every passing stat, and that includes bonehead decisions.  Here’s another one.

  • Why’d he do it?  Money obviously, and attention.  My personal theory, though, is that Favre wants consideration as the best QB of all time, and his only claim here is statistical – he’s got all the records.  This is a stupid claim, and Joe Montana scoffs at it from on high, but it is what it is.  At the same time, he knows that Payton Manning is as tough, more talented, much smarter, surrounded by better talent than Favre ever had, and, barring injury or boredom, will likely break all of Favre’s desireable records in 4-5 seasons, maybe winning another title while he’s at it.  Favre will be the all-time leader in interceptions and a guy with as many Super Bowl rings as Trent Dilfer.  The only way to avoid this is to play until he’s fifty-eight.  He might do it.
  • I don’t understand why Chad Johnson changed his name to “Chad Ocho Cinco’.  Is there already a “Chad Please Pay Attention To Me”?
  • Smartest players in the NFL?  OTs, then Centers, QBs, Guards.  It can’t be explained, except to note that offensive linemen will rule the world.
  • I think that Tony Romo is going to suck this year.  No, sorry, not “think” – “pray to Satan”.  I fucking hate Tony Romo and I hope he gets traded to the Lions, or ebola.  (Not really – no one deserves to be on the Lions.)
  • I realize the preseason is meaningless, and I realize that Tom Brady didn’t play a snap and he’s kinda good, but the Patriots looked awful this past month.  It’s not just that they lost, but how they lost – their first team guys got handled by everyone else’s first team, right at the line of scrimmage.  I could give a shit about cornerbacks, but if you can’t protect Brady, and you can’t put pressure on the other team’s quarterback, you can’t win.  On the positive side, Jerod Mayo likes to hit people: