The Ambien Cookbook is the smash hit collection of recipes for fans of the totally safe, side-effect free sleep aid Ambien! With its combination of delicious taste sensations and easy-to-comprehend, bold-face type, it’s proven to be the perfect companion for those late night raids on the kitchen you’ll never remember in the morning. On the occasion of its release in paperback, the authors contacted noted Ambien enthusiast — and former POW — Senator John McCain to write an introduction to the guide he’s called “Arrghh ur uh… where… kill you” and “Eh? What the… where am I? Get your goddamn hands off of me you ChiCom stooge.”

We here at the Poor Man Institute were lucky enough to catch up with the Senator at one of his seven to fourteen properties to discuss why he thought his participation in this book was so important, and what Ambien means to him. This was no easy feat, with his busy schedule, but the Senator was gracious enough to take our call at 4AM Monday morning.

TPMI: good morning, Senator McCain? Are you there?

John McCain: Hurrrrr.

TMPI: Senator McCain? This is the Poor Man Institute… you had agreed to talk to us about the Ambien cookbook?

John McCain: Ambiiieen… good lay… da nang pussy house. Went there… once or twice.. FIRE! FIRE! RUNWAY THREE PLANE ON FIRE!

TMPI: I see. So, in your introduction, you talk fondly of the warm memories making these recipes inspire in you. Could you talk a little about that?

John McCain: Memo.. mem… send him a memo. Keating! Keating has the money. Duck and roll, coach. This is the big one. Hit the button before they know we’re yellow. Drop thh.h….. zz [clattering noises, barking]

TPMI: Senator McCain, are you okay?

John McCain: What? Carol? You fucking cunt bitch I’ll cut you. Don’t listen to the reds. No, no, can’t see… those are… STINGERS! INCOMING! Bllluuhhh. Want a… can’t get those. Can’t get those here. Whiskey sour, sure.. WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?

TMPI: Uh, this is the Poor Man Institute, Senator. We’re talking about the Ambien Cookbook?

John McCain: It’s that goddamn Kruschev, gents. Got his pecker in Mao’s backside. Those gooks are just puppets. Get that little jew Joey on the phone. That’s one hell of a pilot. And get me some missiles… I… INCOMING! [ more clattering; sound of a window breaking; gunshots. line goes dead ]

TPMI: S.. Senator?


We again wish to thank Senator McCain for talking to us, and wish him the best in his current Presidential bid.