Dispatches from WWIV, the defining conflict of our generation:

Next week’s much anticipated final report by a bipartisan commission on the origins of the 9/11 attacks will contain new evidence of contacts between al-Qaeda and Iran—just weeks after the Administration has come under fire for overstating its claims of contacts between al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein’s Iraq.


Al Qaeda’s No. 2 leader issued a new audiotape Tuesday accusing Shiite Iran of spreading a conspiracy theory about who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks to discredit the power of the Sunni terrorist network.

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden’s deputy, has stepped up his denunciations of Iran in recent messages in part to depict al Qaeda as the Arabs’ top defense against the Persian nation’s rising power in the Middle East.


Admiral Mullen says insurgent weapons found recently provide evidence that Iranian operatives are continuing, and increasing, their support for Iraqi Shiite insurgents, directly contradicting a promise Iran’s president reportedly made late last year to Iraq’s prime minister.

So, for those keeping score at home we are currently at war with … somebody … for the very simple reason of … because. Or something. In any case we can’t stop, or point out that it’s retarded, because that would show weakness and even possible nerdiness, and then Miss Freedom Rising won’t let us take her to the prom and Zombie Saddam will lock us in our lockers and give us a swirly in front of all the cool kids at the UN. Or something. Anyway, we’ll just keep fighting whoever until we win something.